The Gurlgarian Problem
by The Original Nightcrawler
Summary: Wolverine, Gambit, Beast and Nightcrawler are the chosen ones to save the a planet from near destruction? How'd did that work out? Join these X-Men on an incredible journey out in space
1. Default Chapter

"Out of my bar ya stinkin mutie!!!!!" the bartender yelled after throwing a black haired man out of the door. He turned around and slammed the door.  
"Yer bar aint so stinkin good anyway. It was one bar fight and you had to break it up. It's the only fun I have in life," the hairy man yelled staring at the blank wooden door. He sat down on the wet ground looking around the front of the bar. Big neon letters showed saying Bar. What a simple word, the man thought, couldn't the fatty think of something better then BAR. He saw the windows blacked out and from what he saw in that bar, he knew why. The man got up and started to walk to his motorcycle parked right in front of the bar.  
Before he got on he stopped. He turned around walking toward a crappy old car that was so beat up you couldn't tell the style. His hands erupted. Shiny silver claws tore from his hands and for a split second seemed like regular metal, then a shriek came from the old car. Rip, the front bumper shed from the car. Clang, the whole front followed the bumper. That car was gone within a few seconds. This was no ordinary man.  
He turned around feeling that he should stay and wait for the old fat man to walk out and see his only mode of transportation ripped to shreds but he thought better of it. He smiled weakly and said," There ya go bub, have a nice time driving home." He got on his bike and tore off into the night.  
  
Kurt gave a mighty leap up to the sky, lasers followed. He dodged them all and when they got too close he would just focus his mind on a place he wanted to go to and he was gone with a cloud of smoke in his spot. He rematerialized in the back of the psychotic room that was working against him. A claw came from the wall and snagged his tail. He was pulled upwards and was hung upside down in front of a turret.  
"Talk about a crappy spot to be in, eh?" he spoke as if he was talking to someone. He focused again on the back of the room and with a bamf he was there.  
"Yes Nightcrawler, if your going to be in a position try to be AWAY from those things that shoot from the hole," a speaker boomed within the room," almost done buddy, you got about fifteen more seconds."  
"Fifteen, I can handle fifteen," Kurt yelled jumping over a very large metallic object. He ran to the corner of the room and up a wall to just miss a guided missile aimed for his head. He looked down to see fire-blazing form the floor just missing him by a hair. He kept running counting down until the time was over and he suddenly dropped down 20 feet to land on his legs unhurt.  
"How you feeling Kurt?" the loud speaker crashed again.  
"A little flushed but I will get over it mein freund," he returned. With a bamf Nightcrawler was in the control station where the man watched who spoke on the loudspeaker.  
"Hey, you looking tired, get out of here and go get a drink. I don't want you fainting on me," the man politely ordered smiling. The man wore red glasses that covered is eyes totally. He looked in his thirties and he had a leather coat on. He straitened it out and pointed to the door.  
"Who needs a door?" he spoke to the man. In a split second he was out of the room and in the kitchen getting a glass for water. He looked happy for finally getting his record for time surviving in the danger room. He started to pour water in the glass when he heard a sound behind him. He turned around thinking it was one of his friends but when he looked he saw this was a hostile intention. A man pointed what looked to be like an alien gun. Without thinking of anything he randomly ported away not caring where he landed as long as it wasn't in front of that gun. The smoke blazed up in front of the man with the gun. He sniffed it and went backwards.  
"Where did he go? Live rest on his hands and he is playing hide and go seek," the man spoke to himself. He listened around and he heard a sound outside like a bamf. He quickly gazed outside to see the furry blue man scurry along the pathway to the driveway. He ran thinking if he met up with that gun what would happen? He didn't want to think. He got on the nearest vehicle and rode of wondering if the man wasn't after him. Maybe it was someone in his family. In that case, he would have to go back.  
  
Gambit was getting tired of throwing cards in a hat so he quickly got up and turned on the T.V in his room. He heard some noise downstairs coming from Nightcrawler but he knew it just might be him playing around. He stood watching the blank T.V a second lost in his own mind then he decided to turn it on. He grabbed the remote and pressed the red on key. The screen lit up with a light of white and then it grew bigger until it showed a picture of a dog. He looked at the dog and started to talk to himself.  
"I hate commercials. Dey always so damn perfect. Dey always showin the family so happy to feed de dog but in real life de dog would sit dere starving is brains off till someone finally gave in to feeding de dog. I flip to another channel," he droned. He touched the white button that had a six then one quickly followed. "Ah, Fox, I love dis channel," he talked to himself.   
He watched The Simpson's for a couple minutes talking to himself about how they always made a troublemaker in every family. That is true for even his family. In fact since its double the size of any normal family they have two troublemakers. One is him and the other is one of his closest friends, Logan. They would always undermine the captain and frankly, neither of them cared too much. He kept thinking of how his family relates to a show. It soon stopped when he heard a pound downstairs. He knew what it was. It would always make that sound when it entered.  
"Cheer!!!!," he yelled jumping off his bed to the ground also making a pound. He ran down the stairs to see his love sitting they're looking very tired.  
"Hey Cajun. What are you doing in a snor house," she started the conversation with her southern accent.  
"I missed that accent Cher. I missed you so much," he ran to her giving her a huge hug. She hugged him back squeezing with her super power. "Rougy, could you possibly get off," she released her grip "Thank you." He stared in her eyes wanting to kiss but he knew that would never happen. He starred wide eyes and he never wanted to stop.  
  
Hank was out and about today, as he would call it. He was shopping for his love Trish. What would she want, he thought, earrings! He looked around for a jewelry shop. He galumphed down the street with people looking at him with a short glance. He had blue fur so he was an obvious mutant. He looked like a Beast. He stared above everyone's heads and he saw one. They were having a Presidents Day sale. He knew this would have to be good.  
He walked to the door and right then all hopes of being served with kindness was diminished by the sign that appeared out of the window. NO MUTIES. He knew he couldn't go in without getting thrown out from the very sight of him so he walked on. Sometimes shopping was hard but Beast always kept a positive status. Beast wasn't like most mutants. He is a double mutated mutant. He started off in the human stage evolved to a super strength super angelic man and now he is the Beast.  
He kept his head up high not worrying about the strange glances he got. He passed an Ice Cream store a Pet Shop and many other stores that showed the same hospitality as the jewelry store. He was about to give up when he saw it, the biggest jewelry store he has seen in his life. He galloped toward it until he stopped. He heard a moan coming from the alley. This moan was very familiar. He had heard it many times in battle and in the danger room. It was Logan, aka Wolverine. He was sitting in a pile of trash outside the jewelry store. Hank ran over to pick him up. Logan started to open his eyes. He turned to look at Hank.  
"O, my head feels like a rock would after it had been thrown off the Empire State building," Logan moaned to Hank.  
"With your healing factor old friend, this should only come to a bruise," Hank assured him. "What happened old man," Hank inquired.  
"I was drivin down the road after a nice fight at the bar when the guy threw me out. I slashed his car to bits and road off. As I was going down merrily think o the guys ugly fat face my bike swerved. I didn't go then, it was like the bike had a mind of its own. We were goin down this road and by this time the bike was down to just the seat I was sitting on. I saw a light down the street and I didn't feel like light so I jumped off. I was suspended in midair. I suddenly went strait up. I didn't stop until I saw some type of ship. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't. I boarded onto it and this man with brown hair came up to me and started speakin this crap I had never learned so I made myself an exit, through him. I slashed off his arm but he got up and fired his damn gun at my chest and I went through the wall. Here I am now," he barely gasped out.   
Hank looked at him wondering if this alien craft could possibly be Shi'ar. He guessed not because they would have teleported him up, not flew him up. This was odd to Hank so he decided the professor could help more then he could. They left the front of the vast store and headed to the car. When they were crossing the street some maniac in a motorcycle nearly ran over them.  
Logan sniffed the air, "Some blue monk is certainly scared."  
"Mind to clarify Logan?" Hank said.  
"Its Kurt. Something scaring him," he answered Hank.  
"We will get answers from the Professor, lets get going compadre," Hank told him trying his best to pronounce compadre. They got in the Mazda Buick and drove off heading toward the mansion.  
  
Gambit looked to her eyes wanting so much he couldn't have. They were in the Game Room playing pool. Gambit lit the tip of the stick, it grew brighter. He hit the cue ball with his extra power making it hit three balls of his in.  
"Guess you aint winnin this game Cher," he figured. He was wrong. Just then he had noticed he set up Rouge just the way he had planned. "Cheater, you shouldn't use your powers ta win," he accused her.  
"I aint done nothing wrong Cajun. I just used my newly acquired TK ta beat you. Are you sad that a girl beat you? Don't be, it will happen all your life," she told him striking all the balls in. "Eight ball hunny, corner pocket," she flaunted. The ball sunk in the hole perfectly. He got a little peeved but his anger sunk when he thought of the love he had for her. He thought he was turning woozy but it didn't affect his mind much. Maybe being a pansy got you somewhere. It did with him, the woman of his dreams.  
"Ah hafta go Remy, I got some shopping ta do. Think, the day ah get back they order me ta go shoppin. Sure its ma turn, but it aint like ah been eatin the food while I was in Istanbul eh?" she complained walking toward Remy. Her eyes met his and she spoke. "Here's un fer the road Gumbo." She gave him a small kiss. It slowly sapped his life force but it was ok for him, he was getting kissed by his gal. He slowly fell into a deep sleep covered by dreams of Rouge.  
  
The man looked around trying to find his other targets. He reapeted their names in his head. Beast, a furry blue man who is excels in science and technology, Nightcrawler, a religious man whose abilties include climbing walls, teleporting and turning invisible within a shadow, Gambit, a ladies man who can charge up any object into an explosive and finally Wolverine, the most hostile in nature with an unbreakable skeleton and a healing factor that will help him heal rapidly, he is almost unkillable. This sounded crazy to him. He had a mission from his emperor to retrieve these earthlings for a cause that all he was told, "could kill our entire world." He had to know why he was here. He would shortly.  
He heard a car drive up and a door open. The door of the mansion opened and a voice called out. "Chuck, we got a prob bob. Seems some alien frea..." Logans sentence stopped dead as he took a long look at a man pointing a ray at him like he had seen the other night. "Hey buddy, mind putting that gun away, or am in gonna hafta make you," Wolverine snarled as he extended his claws.  
"I mean you no harm earthling. I am here for other causes," the gunman said peacefully. He hoped this worked because if it didn't, his arm would be lying on the ground in a bloody mess.  
"If you mean no harm out away the weapon," Beast retorted.  
"Then have your friend here sheath his claws," the gunman replied.  
"Wolverine, please, if you would be so kind," Beast aknowleged Wolverine. Wolverine sheathed his claws with a snikt. The man put his gun away.  
"I am Aftar, from the Gurgalia Solar System. My Emperor has sent me to your liken tough cyuiter sysgl," the man punched his throat and continued, "sorry, new voice moderator. It makes my language speak your language. Back to what I was saying. My Emperor has sent me to you planet for reasons beyond my comprehension. He sayd you are to save my world from doom and it seemed like a good cause to me. I will need to take you and two of your other friends with me. Do you understand," he asked.  
"Hey, I aint goin nowheres bub. I like my planet, your planet can go ta hell fer all I care. I worry about my world dude, worrie about yours without counting me in," Wolverine growled at Aftar.  
"I will help you my friend. I do not wish any lives torn or any planets broken in a case that I didn't show for. I will help you Aftar," Beast said with confidence. The real only reason he wanted to go was to check out the Gurgalian technology. He walked toward Aftar looking at him puzzled, "Where's the ship?"  
"You will see if Logan here agrees to come. Without him I have no reason taking you Mr. Macoy," he told Hank.  
"What's the big deal, if it was so big, wouldn't the Emperor have told you what was going on. I mean, something's fishy and I don't want to be there to find out what it is," Wolverine made a good point, Hank thought.  
"If something is fishy, then I would still need your help. This does not diminish your duties as a galactic hero Wolverine," Aftar acclaimed. Wolverine was flattered by being a galactic hero but he was still edgy. The Wolverine thought, this could get him some action. He wanted the action.  
"Fine buddy, but this better be good, or I'll hafta do something I normally do, kill," Wolverine snarled.  
"Then lets get going friends, we still have to retrieve Mr. LeBeau and Mr. Wagner," Aftar said looking around.  
"Gambit will be easier then expected Aftar, hes on the couch, sleeping," Beast pointed out. Aftar looked and sure enough Remy was on the couch catching some z's.  
"Beast, the ship is in cloak mode," takes out a big switch from his pocket and presses a button on it, "This should help you find it, its in the woods, take Reamy and load him in. Me and Logan here will find our little blue friend," Aftar commanded. Beast lifted the Cujan into his hands and walked outside.  
"Come now Logan. On to the blue monk," Aftar hissed at Wolverine.  
"Fine whatever bub. I aint hurting him though, so don't count on me to take him down," Wolverine hissed back.  
"Fine, Wolverine, but I do suspect your nose to be in use," Aftar smirked.  
  
He raced down the street nearly hitting a kid. My family, he thought, what if they die? He didn't want to think of it. He knew he would have to turn back to save them from doom. He stopped the vehicle quickly flying off it. He ported and landed back on the bike.  
"I have to be more carevul," he said to himself. He grabed the handle and put the motorcycle back into gear. He pulled the gun and he flashed by going back to the mansion. He had a mission, a mission to save his family.  
  
Wolverine sniffed the air and caught a scent. "He went off this way, come on," Wolverine yelled to Aftar. Aftar acknowledged him and he followed. He kept his nose up high in the air using the motorcycle skim marks to also help him find Kurt. Wolverine stopped suddenly. Aftar wondered what he was doing. "Motorcycle, heading here, its Kurt. I could smell his fear from a mile away," Wolverine informed Aftar. Wolverine kept his nose in the air. Slowly walking. He knew Kurt would be back to help his fellow X-Men. As an X-Man, that was his job. Then Wolverine knew what he had to do.  
Wolverine turned around and jumped at Aftar. "You don't know shit about where we are going. If it was so dire that we come yer boss would a told ya," Wolverine yelled on top of him. He outstretched his claws and ripped them toward Aftar. It was too late, Aftar used his gun to throw Logan off. It hit him square on the chest. Wolverine went flying away. Aftar would have to find Nightcrawler himself. Maybe Wolverine was right, if the case was so dire, why did he know nothing about it?  
  
Gambit woke up in the cockpit of a huge ship. "Ah, Remy, nice to see your awake," Beast said calmly, searching around the ship.  
"Mon Ami, where am I?" Gambit asked Hank confused and dazed.  
"On board a very interesting ship, its like nothing I have ever seen. The mechanics are marvelous, but the way they are used are primitive to the fashion of how we use our mechanics," Beast talked boring Remy to death. Remy looked around and then he heard a gun shot.  
"Hank, what was that?" Gambit wondered.  
"Huh? What was what Remy?" Beast spoke wondering around the ship. Remy knew the Beast was preoccupied and probably didn't hear it because he was acting like a little kid in a huge candy store.  
"Im going to go check it out," Gambit arose off the chair.  
"Ok, Im going to ground here until they get back Gamit. I don't think it was anything really, but you can leave if you want," the hairy robust man leaped forward at one of the controls, "Fascinating."  
  
Aftar thought for awhile, Wolverine was right, if it was so important that it involved the saving of his world, why hadn't he known nothing about it? He thought over this on the way to earth. He and his two friends, Gyrom and Fiker, went with him, but they were killed by Wolverine. It wasn't Logans fault, he was being captured thinking it was a hostile intention, but they had known more then him. Wolverine was just being paronoid, Aftar thought.   



	2. Space

Remy walked toward the place he heard the shot come from. He charged a card thinking it was someone with harmful intentions. He stepped out of the vehicle unnoticed by Beast who was vigorously studying the ship.

"Interesting, I have not seen this substance before…" Beast's voice trailed off as he took a closer stride to the sound. He looked at Wolverines hurt carcass. Smoke flew from the burnt skin. Gambit took a leap forward and threw a card at the man standing above him. A few milliseconds after the card had left his hands Aftar shot it. It exploded above Wolverine and made Gambit fly backwards. He took his staff out and used it as a pole in pole vaulting. He kicked the man square in the face which left him bleeding on the ground.

"Ah, Remy, another perfect example of something not to do to a man with a gun and good aim," Aftar intimidated. He fired his gun and hit Gambit on the chest. He flew backwards and hit his head on a rock. His eyes blurred and the last thing he heard was the screech of a motorcycle.

Nightcrawler stopped the bike as he heard the firing of a weapon. He got out and ported on top of the X-Men mansion. He looked down and saw Aftar with the gun. He starred at the dark man then he leaped forward, off the roof and onto the bad guy.

"Mein friend, you should know better then to shoot and X-Men," Nightcrawler gawked holding onto the man.

"Get off you mangy piece of…" Aftar grumbled. He threw Nightcrawler forward and before Nightcrawler hit the ground, he blasted him with the gun. Nightcrawler hit a tree and gasped his last breath of his day on earth.

Aftar found all four of the prodigals. He carried the two lighter ones first onto the ship and left Wolverine for McCoy. Beast gladly took them in.

"What happened here Aftar? They didn't get the whole prodigal thing?" Beast inquired placing Wolverine down on a bed.

"You could say that," Aftar muttered reaching for the controls to the ship. He sat down and fired up the jet. They were in the air and out of the atmosphere.

"This speed capability is vast compared to Shi'ar. I can't believe I am not flying back," Beast cried out. He waved his arms up and down. "This is amazing!" After getting to know the components of the ship he sat down next to his fallen comrades. It only took another 5 minutes until they were on the new planet. They landed harshly and it shook Wolverine awake.

"What? Where am I?" he droned half awake. He looked around and was reminded of what happened before. He arose and his claws popped to their full 1 foot extent. "Hey buddy, take me and my friends back to earth, or I'll hafta slice you good."

"If you SLICE me, then you won't ever go home. This is the one planet with recoding systems all around the place. You murder me, you're looking life," Aftar spoke slyly pressing Wolverines hand down to the ground. "I am already covering for you murdering my friend, let's not get into big shit ok?"

"Fine!" Wolverine growled sheeting his claws. He trudged back and looked at Hank.

"We hafta get out of here buddy," Wolverine whispered.

"Well Wolverine, why don't we help? It isn't like it is a big deal. I mean, what we are going to do, fight a couple bad guys, save the world and we ll be home in time for gumbo soup," Beast assured Logan

"The only guy who cooks gumbo soup is next to you," Nightcrawler moaned getting up.

"Fine, fried dough, you happy Kurt?" he glared at Kurt.

"Yeah, fine, where are we? My head hurts a lot," the furry blue elf whined holding his head. He got off the bed and walked toward Wolverine.

"I'll debrief you later Nightcrawler, for now, the emperor awaits," Aftar gleemed pointing to the exit. They all walked out with Beast carrying Gambit. They walked out of the space station where they had landed and on to a platform. It instantly transported them outside the emperor's mansion. Huge walls and guards guarded the tower where the emperor laid. A transport was right outside.

"Name," the guard spoke in a monotone voice.

"167451," Aftar spoke as if he were a guard.

"Ah, here you are, with earthlings no doubt. Go ahead in," he spoke pointing to the transport. They went in and were transported to the tower.


End file.
